If you think the legal issues ended with the Brittenum twins, think again. This episode also included a segment of several numbered-but-unnamed contestants who had been brought up on various humorous charges. Watch for yourself below, but here’s the full list first:
- Contestant #2550 charged with: Passing a Counterfeit C-Note
2550 attempts to show off his extremely high range, but simply ends up destroying glasses and setting off car alarms instead.
Sentence: 5 years
- Contestant #32367 charged with: Mimes Against Humanity
32367 used some fairly distracting gestures during his song. It appeared that he may have been signing the song. Since American Idol wouldn’t have him, perhaps he could join the Happy Hands Club from Napoleon Dynamite.
Sentence: 10 years, minimum security
- Contestant #889 charged with: Bouncing Czechs
889, a Czech performer, “sings” Lady Marmolade.
Sentence: 12 years, community service
- Contestant #62092 charged with: Hummicide
62092 sings poorly, and follows it up with some poor humming.
Sentence: 12 years in Sing Sing
- Contestant #72722 charged with: Performing with a concealed weapon
72722’s singing style mostly involved plenty of Elvis-on-Viagara hip swinging.
Sentence: 18 years, maximum security
- Contestant #34603 charged with: Writhing without a License
34603 throws one arm up into the air (almost Rodeo-style), writhes for a bit, and gives off a series of moans or . . . something like that.
Sentence: 18 years, solitary confinement
- Contestant #37113 charged with: Assault and Battery
37113, a large woman, sings I Like Big Butts. Fortunately, she has a fun time, as she spins around, shakes her booty, and starts spanking herself.
Sentence: Life: No parole
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Contestant #72892
Haggai is becoming an American, and he wore an American flag shirt for his audition. He claimed that he was going to make the judges excited with his singing. He ensured the judges that he would sing in tune because he had a key chain to help him with his pitch. Simon noted that it sounded a little low, so Haggai asked him if he had any batteries.
After Haggai desecrated God Bless the USA, the judges turned him down. It probably didn’t help that when he sang "the men who died," it sounded like he was gargling.
Haggai told the judges that, with a vocal coach and a couple months, one can become a good singer, and after a year, one can become a great singer if they have perfect pitch, like he does. If Haggai has perfect pitch, then apparently the rest of the world doesn’t.
Post-audition, Haggai explained that he had tried to grab the judges’ attention. He said that the "right judge" (Randy) was most impressed because he maintained eye contact, Paula was looking at his dancing and his body, and Simon was reading a book.
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Contestant #74435
JC returns again this year, except this time, he has grown a mullet. Simon told him that sometimes, he mentally says "No" before the person starts singing, and he did just that.
I can't be sure, but it appeared that JC didn't even sing during this audition. If you've forgotten JC, he's the one Simon asked in a previous season, "Are you aware that when you sing, you do a stabbing motion?"
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Contestant #78201
Jason works as a gondolier in Las Vegas. He works under the pseudonyms Pepé or Josephe Francisco Andino.
Jason sang Stand by Me, but he didn't sing it well enough. Simon suggested he stick with the gondolier job. So, in Jason's words, "American Idol 5 is going to be Pepé-less, my friends."
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Contestant #75439
Anthony's singing style was distinctly off-tune. As Anthony begins singing, you can see Simon's expression immediately sour.
Anthony is undeniably overweight, so of course, Simon threw in a weight joke as Anthony left.
Anthony's background story included the fact that he and his girlfriend own 75 animals!
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Contestant #73245
Often, you can tell from someone's speaking voice that they probably won't be the best singer in that city, and David was no exception.
David chose to sing a Backstreet Boys song. His singing style was nasal and off-pitch.
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Contestant #78285
Princess claimed to be a conceited, blunt, sassy perfectionist that sounds a lot like Aretha Franklin. Three out of five ain't bad, I guess.
For a perfectionist, Princess missed a whole lot of notes and basically screamed the off-pitch lyrics at the judges. Simon tried to stop her, but she kept on singing.
After even more horrendous singing, Simon whispered "Will you shut her up? Shut her up." followed by "Stop it. Stop it. Stop it."
Finally, Princess stopped, and Paula's best compliment was that "there were sweet moments in there." Simon quickly added, "Yeah, the end." He also told her that she had given him a headache with her singing.
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Contestant #33254
Deborah Dawn's style was pure rock, and it looked like she had rocked a bit too hard in her (at least) 27 years on this earth. I'm a poor judge of age, but Deborah Dawn looked much older than 27. To me, she looked more like 35 minimum. Like I said, I could have been wrong.
Her extremely long and frizzy hair may have been what made her look older. She said, "People recognize me by my hair. 'Hey! . . . Lady Big Hair!'" Yeah, that's the name that'll get you into American Idol — if it were the 80s.
Now that I think about it, Deborah Dawn really looked and acted just like a Molly Shannon character . . . a lot like a Molly Shannon character, right down to the crazy eyes. Simon said that she looked like "somebody's mother who for a day has been told to look like Cher for some ghastly fancy dress party and does a song. That's how the whole thing came over." Simon then said that it was like he needed to hear her with his eyes closed because her image was so off-putting. Paula reminded Simon that this is what he said about Clay Aiken, but Simon denied it.
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Contestant #32387
Marcus (who refers to himself once as "Kid Chaos") is a self-proclaimed AT, "All Terrain Entertainer: singer, rapper, songwriter, dancer, comedian, actor."
Marcus started out by singing This Little Light of Mine in falsetto. Simon tried to stop him at the end of the song, but Paula insisted on seeing all of the All Terrain Entertainer.
In order to showcase all of his talents, Marcus moved on to dancing, followed by some beatboxing.
One would hope that, being an All Terrain Entertainer, that Marcus would have been good with at least one of the skills, but he really wasn't. Marcus' only skill seemed to be auctioneer-like fast-talking.
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Contestant #32051
Wolfie described himself as "sound a little bit like Clay, but maybe a little bit different than Clay, but I think my voice range is around Clay Aiken's. I'm definitely going to Hollywood today." Matthew even chose to sing Aiken's The Measure of a Man.
The differences quickly became apparent when he started singing in a shakey, quivering voice. The similarities never made themselves apparent. The producers even played Matthew and Clay side-by-side as an easy comparison.
Matthew is called "Wolfie" because — why else? — he likes wolves so much.
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Contestant #31585
John recently took leave from the military after nine years. Before auditioning for American Idol, he took vocal lessons for only six weeks, and you'd never know it — unless you heard him sing.
John started by singing semi-normally, but he then quickly turned around, put some sunglasses on, and started beatboxing and singing a remix of the same song. Needless to say, it didn't go over well.
Simon was "puzzled that someone from the Air Force comes in and does quite a strange routine, and after that bizarre element, you stood there with a very serious look on your face, as if, that's just normal."
Perhaps John could get some musical guidance from the composer of the same name.
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