Season 5
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Contestant #32231
Eric's singing was unpalatable, bland, and monotone, but it was nothing compared with his hairstyle. I'm not sure what exactly was going on there. A bit too much gel, a sleepless, showerless day, or just a bad hair year?
Eric insisted on singing with his eyes closed the entire time, but I wished I could have listened with my ears closed. He really sounded like a Bob Dylan on drugs. Oh, wait a minute . . . I guess maybe he sounded like a sober Bob Dylan.
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Contestant #32191
Shalicia "recently discovered" her special talent, which is usually a clue that you're about to be treated to some awful singing. Shalicia was no exception to this rule. Unfortunately, America never discovered her special talent.
Shalicia followed up her awful, passionate, closed-eye singing with some awful slam poetry.
Simon also noted that her choreography was hideous, to which Shalicia (unknowingly) thanked him.
After Shalicia sang for the judges and received three resounding "No" responses, Shalicia admitted that she had quit her job to be on American Idol. Simon responded that "It wasn't the best career move." Simon then offered to call her boss Ginny to get her old job back. Sure enough, Simon stuck to his word, had Shalicia call her boss, and he explained that she had no hopes of going to Hollywood. Shalicia's boss agreed to take her back. I'm guessing that her old job doesn't involve karaoke.
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Contestant #64390
Rhonetta chose to wear a silver tube top, a too-short white skirt, and sparkly, silver boots. And when I say "too-short skirt," what I mean is: "completely unflattering." I'm no fashion expert, but you know you have a problem when your belly is pushing your tight skirt down in the front.
Paula asked, "It says you think you could be bigger than J. Lo and Janet." Simon quickly replied "Well, in a way, she is."
In Rhonetta's post-audition ranting, she said that Paula "could never be famous."
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Contestant #67572
As far as effeminate, overweight men go, this is one of the best to audition for American Idol.
Sammy clearly couldn't carry a tune if it was handed to him in a basket, but his stage presence was . . . undeniably unique. He chose to "sing" A Whole New World. He placed a red blanket on the stage as the magic carpet, but the magic carpet soon became a cape, a shawl, and possibly discarded lingerie in an imaginary striptease. Also helpful was the literal pointing during the line "a new fantastic point of view."
Sammy then broke into Paula Abdul's Straight Up, and he shook his booty in a disturbing manner. Paula look away, frightened, but it wasn't clear if it was due to the butchering of her song or the booty shaking. Simon called Sammy "Sylvester Stallone's younger sister singing Paula Abdul ."
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Contestant #60531
Sergeant David is in the International Guard, and he openly drooled over Paula before his audition.
He offered to bet Paula that she would have to dance with him if he had a good singing voice, and Simon happily accepted the offer on her behalf. Paula was skiddish about the whole ordeal, likely due to the whole Justin Guarini psuedo-scandal.
Steven had a good singing voice and got through, so Randy and Simon dragged Paula up to dance with him.
As Steven left, Ryan escorted his wife through the door. Paula berated him for dancing with her when he was married all along.
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Contestant #63506
After a cold interview with Ryan (who she called "short"), Chonna entered the room wearing lingerie.
Chonna explained that her (ex-stripper) mom went to a lot of lingerie shows and picked up a lot of stuff. Since the ex-stripping mom was stripping to support her kids, the judges didn't berate the situation.
One has to wonder why she would choose lingerie for an audition.
Simon later claimed that Americans have weird ideas about lingerie, and if he saw that, he'd say "Back in the bathroom, sweetheart!"
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Contestant #64916
Seth is, apparently, a huge Michael Jackson fan.
Seth wore Michael Jackson's clothes and even attempted a couple of the dance moves.
Unfortunately, Seth didn't seem to bring anyone's singing talent with him, let alone Michael's. In the middle of his song, he whimpered "Oh, crap" before continuing.
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