Season 5
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Contestant #64390
Rhonetta chose to wear a silver tube top, a too-short white skirt, and sparkly, silver boots. And when I say "too-short skirt," what I mean is: "completely unflattering." I'm no fashion expert, but you know you have a problem when your belly is pushing your tight skirt down in the front.
Paula asked, "It says you think you could be bigger than J. Lo and Janet." Simon quickly replied "Well, in a way, she is."
In Rhonetta's post-audition ranting, she said that Paula "could never be famous."
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Contestant #67572
As far as effeminate, overweight men go, this is one of the best to audition for American Idol.
Sammy clearly couldn't carry a tune if it was handed to him in a basket, but his stage presence was . . . undeniably unique. He chose to "sing" A Whole New World. He placed a red blanket on the stage as the magic carpet, but the magic carpet soon became a cape, a shawl, and possibly discarded lingerie in an imaginary striptease. Also helpful was the literal pointing during the line "a new fantastic point of view."
Sammy then broke into Paula Abdul's Straight Up, and he shook his booty in a disturbing manner. Paula look away, frightened, but it wasn't clear if it was due to the butchering of her song or the booty shaking. Simon called Sammy "Sylvester Stallone's younger sister singing Paula Abdul ."
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Contestant #60531
Sergeant David is in the International Guard, and he openly drooled over Paula before his audition.
He offered to bet Paula that she would have to dance with him if he had a good singing voice, and Simon happily accepted the offer on her behalf. Paula was skiddish about the whole ordeal, likely due to the whole Justin Guarini psuedo-scandal.
Steven had a good singing voice and got through, so Randy and Simon dragged Paula up to dance with him.
As Steven left, Ryan escorted his wife through the door. Paula berated him for dancing with her when he was married all along.
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Contestant #63506
After a cold interview with Ryan (who she called "short"), Chonna entered the room wearing lingerie.
Chonna explained that her (ex-stripper) mom went to a lot of lingerie shows and picked up a lot of stuff. Since the ex-stripping mom was stripping to support her kids, the judges didn't berate the situation.
One has to wonder why she would choose lingerie for an audition.
Simon later claimed that Americans have weird ideas about lingerie, and if he saw that, he'd say "Back in the bathroom, sweetheart!"
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Contestant #64916
Seth is, apparently, a huge Michael Jackson fan.
Seth wore Michael Jackson's clothes and even attempted a couple of the dance moves.
Unfortunately, Seth didn't seem to bring anyone's singing talent with him, let alone Michael's. In the middle of his song, he whimpered "Oh, crap" before continuing.
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Contestant #60868
Cedrick is apparently Fantasia's relative. You know how some families have a ton of musical talent in them from the youngest child to the oldest great-grandparent? Cedrick proved that this isn't the case here.
After Cedrick tried some fancy voicework to end his song, Randy told him, "You went through about twelve keys right there." Cedrick said that he had been singing since he was three, but Simon replied that his voice hadn't changed much.
The apple fell miles away from the tree this time around.
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Contestant #63298
Marcus' goal seemed to be to impress the judges by singing each note for as long as possible. For instance, it took him 14 seconds to sing the words "She's out of my life." Randy laughed and said that the song was going to take two hours at that pace.
When asked if he had taken vocal lessons, he said that he was using the Randy and Paula DVD set: Ultimate Voice Coach — Learn to Sing Like a Star! This made Simon's day, as he couldn't get over that fact, and he noted that it was the best birthday he has ever had.
Post-audition, Marcus took the DVD out on the street and beat it to death with a hammer.
Marcus claimed to have "won approximately three talent shows." I can understand how you might win approximately twenty talent shows, but at three, you'd think that the number of wins might be a little more solidified in your mind. Maybe he just meant that he approximately won the shows.
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Contestant #61769
Richard brought his ventriloquist dummy Scotty. Unfortunately, Scotty did not join in on the singing portion of the audition, but he did compliment Paula before being shoved back into the box.
As Richard left, Simon advised him that "There's nothing wrong with working with a dummy." Paula gave a knowing look, and said "I work with them all the time! All the time!"
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Contestant #60731
Sabrina referred to herself as "Sabrina, the teenage witch." Due to her age, Simon quickly noted, "Well, let's lose the 'teenage'."
Sabrina claimed on her application that men always hit on her and when this was mentioned, she said something I found to be incoherent. Closed captioning tells me that she said "So I'm hoping Simon will hit on me." During her audition, Sabrina sang off-key, so Simon said that it was less "hitting on" and more like "hitting."
Simon also just had to point out that she was "more Jerry Springer Show than American Idol." Simon later punctuated his sentiment by yelling "Y'all stole my sister!" Sabrina snapped and screamed about how she hated Jerry Springer.
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Contestant #61172
Shawn dressed formally for his audition and brought with him a large poster chronicling his "life story."
Apparently, Shawn was born a week earlier, because there wasn't much on there other than him traveling to Greensboro and wanting to get onto American Idol.
Shawn claimed he was "on a mission to bring back standards" to American Idol, and he sang one: That Old Black Magic. While he didn't sound horrible, Simon said that he sounded "distinctly average," and compared him to one of those singing waiters you might see in an unpopular restaurant.
Shawn's little brother was pretty outspoken about Shawn's talents, and he seemed truly upset after Shawn was turned down. In fact, he was more outraged than Shawn. His little brother told the camera, "I think it's baloney . . . And you know what? Who needs American Idol?" Hopefully not Shawn, that's for sure.
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Contestant #60123
Ronda had a distinctly high-pitched voice that sort of reminded me of a mix between Spongebob's squirrel friend Sandy Cheeks and Annie Potts (the actress you'd recognize as secretary Janine in Ghostbusters).
Randy asked Ronda what she was going to sing to prove that she was the next American Idol, and Ronda berated him for putting a lot of pressure on her.
Ronda sang some Backstreet Boys, and Simon complained that it "sounded just like the original."
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