American Idol
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Contestant #38234
I was in the Army. I was in Korea. Being in the Army is very depressing so they need some form of entertainment, some type of morale. I used to sing for the troops. I was told not to sing in uniform. You know, I couldn't help it and I got in trouble. Screw you, Sergeant Hart, I'm the next American Idol.
Brian chose to sing Tiny Tim's Tiptoe through the Tulips, including tiptoeing around the stage.
The judges asked him if that was a joke and Brian stuck to his guns, swearing even on his mother's life that the audition was not a joke. Throughout the discussion, he referred to the judges as "ma'am", "sir", "Mr. Jackson", and "Mr. Cowell". Kara asked him if he really tiptoed around and he answered, "Ask anyone from grade school through current. Yes I do, ma'am."
After the whole ordeal, Brian said, "I feel like slipping into a warm bubble bath and relaxing my thoughts."
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Contestant #31488
We see Crazy Accordion Lady only for a brief moment in a montage of crazy contestants.
Why do we call her Crazy Accordion Lady, you ask? Well, it could be:
- The crazy blue hair she had.
- The red, white, and blue accordion she played during the audition.
- The fact that this contestant was a lady.
- Or . . . it could be the only lyrics we heard from her song:
I am the crazy accordion lady.
This is my song –
Well, perhaps we'll never know.
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Contestant #34973
Sporting a shirt that says "It's not illegal unless you get caught!", this unnamed contestant (Let's call him Kelly, shall we?) sang a song in a high-pitched, nasal voice. The lyrics that we hear are fairly simple:
My name is Kelly, Ke-Kelly.
My name is Kelly, Kell-Kell –
My name is Kelly, Ke-Kelly.
Do you hear my name?
All we see from the judges are Simon in a state of shock, Shania Twain smiling, and Randy saying "Dude, no, no."
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Contestant #30143
Amy is an effervescent, hyperactive woman who can hold up both ends of a conversation. She decided that it was worth it to wait in line for a couple days to obtain worldwide fame.
If someone were to write a musical about Amy, she guesses that it would be titled Amy Lang. Amy Lang! Amy Lang!!! The Musical.
Amy let Ryan Seacrest know that he was the first celebrity that she had an inappropriate dream about. As Ryan sent Amy into the audition room, Ryan mouthed to the camera, "Oh my God!"
Before Amy began singing Aretha Franklin's Dr. Feelgood, she fell limp on the stage, apparently passed out. After five full seconds of silence (and stillness), Amy suddenly sat up and started singing the song.
After the song, Amy showed off one of her talents: Something she likes to call "The Boob Flex". Randy called it "Musical Boobs" and Kara referred to it as "BoobBoxing", at which point Amy pretended like she was beatboxing but continued with the boob flexes.
After getting a No vote from Simon, Amy asked, "Really? Even though I can sing?"
Simon replied, "Yeah . . . they're not going to go to Hollywood."
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After General Larry Platt auditioned, Simon Cowell told him, "I don't think this is gonna be the last we hear about you. I have a feeling about you, Larry." Simon couldn't have been more right.
Pants on the Ground has officially gone viral in American Pop Culture:
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Contestant #103519
General Larry Platt may well turn out to be one of the most popular American Idol auditioners of all time. Larry Platt came in and sang his original song Pants on the Ground for the judges:
Pants on the ground, pants on the ground.
Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground
with the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways.
Pants hit the ground.
Call yourself a cool cat, looking like a fool.
Walking downtown with your pants on the ground
Get it up!
Hey! Get your pants off the ground!
. . . and then repeat those lines ad infinitum. Not only was there the song, but Larry had a few dance moves and exercises that went along with the song, too.
After he stopped singing, Larry informed Simon that he was 62 years old and Simon noted that he was a bit over the age limit of 28.
Once Larry had that news, Randy said, "And we learned something today, Larry. You know what we learned? "Pants on the ground, pants on the ground," and then Larry started singing again.
In case you were wondering, the buttons on the right side of Larry's shirt said "Justice for Troy Davis". I couldn't make out the other button.
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Contestant #100200
Lamar went into the audition excited about performing in front of Mary J. Blige. His hopes weren't set too high, however, because he admitted that he enjoyed constructive criticism and that's what he was hoping to take away from the audition (instead of the golden ticket most were hoping for).
Lamar shouted Seal's Kiss from a Rose in a loud, pitchy style. After he stopped singing, a portion of the discussion went like this:
Kara: I'm not gonna say that you're a terrible singer, because you're not a terrible singer.
Lamar: I'm really shocked, 'cuz that's not true.
Randy: No, she said that she's not saying that. Are you a good listener?
The more advice that the judges tried to give Lamar, the more upset he got. Despite Lamar's love for constructive criticism, Lamar swore at him, started to walk out, and then came back in to yell at the judges.
After some more back and forth, Lamar started singing (for the fourth time) and we get an excellent view of how Idol's security staff works. Suddenly, two bulky security guards stepped in from either side of the performance area and another staff member came in from the side to stand in front of the judges. Another staff member appeared from the exit area and the four of them escorted Lamar out. The four even rode the elevator down with him and escorted him through the parking lot, herding unsuspecting people away from Lamar.
The whole way out, Lamar went on about how Mary J. Blige can't sing and that he didn't know who Kara was and that he wished Paula was there.
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Contestant #91872
Skii Bo Ski wore an interesting haircut to his audition — the American Idol logo was shaved into his hair.
Pointing to his shirt, he spelled his nickname out: "S – k – i – i -b- o, S – k -i". The producer pointed out that his shirt had "Skibo Ski" with only one "i" on the first name. He simply responded, "OK, we got — misprint." When his name later comes up during the audition, we see that it's not even "Skiibo Ski" but "Skii Bo Ski" . . . so there is a missing space as well.
Antonio gave it his all when he sang Marvin Gaye's I Heard It Through The Grapevine. Kara was grooving to the music and Mary J. Blige started clapping when he finished.
After he finished singing, Skii Bo Ski told the judges, "It's a package deal because I'm like the dollar store. You know, with the dollar store — even with the dollar store, you can have everything you want in that one package and it don't cost you no more than a dollar. I'm worth a lot."
Randy countered with, "That doesn't even make sense, what you were just saying," and Kara noted that he said he was only worth a dollar.
Antonio got a No vote from Simon and a Yes vote from Mary and Kara. Antonia cut Randy off with: "And before you speak, acknowledge that I am acknowledging good music and you made some."
Randy looked completely confused by Skii Bo Ski's ramblings and replied, "What in the world are you saying?!? Shut up! You're through to Hollywood! What is all of this nonsense? My God!"
Skii Bo Ski ran into the waiting room with his golden ticket and the crowd erupted into cheers. Based on some of Randy's advice, it looks like we'll see more Antonio Wheeler than Skii Bo Ski once he gets to Hollywood, but you never know!
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Contestant #100149
Blake wore a t-shirt that said "BRITNEY SPEARS CHANGED MY LIFE". Unfortunately we don't exactly hear how she changed it.
Blake sang Spears' Oops, I Did It Again and Kara's response was, "'Oops' is right."
Britney Spears may have changed Blake's life . . . now only if she could change his voice.
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Contestant #94976
Holly, better known to you and me as "Guitar Girl", dressed as a guitar for Halloween. Her friends thought the outfit was so cute that Holly figured she would wear the costume to her American Idol audition. The costume was highlighted by some very large guitar sunglasses.
Holly sang Loretta Lynn's You Ain't Woman Enough to Take My Man. After she finished singing, Simon asked Holly, "Do you understand how — you can keep [the guitar glasses] on — how slightly bizarre this is that you're dressed as a guitar but also look a little bit like an insect singing country and western?"
Mary J Blige's comment was simple: "I don't get it," but Kara said she respected that Holly was ballsy enough to go dressed like that. Holly received 3 Yes votes and will be moving on to Hollywood. I doubt we will see the guitar outfit again, though.
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Contestant #99342
Jesse started out by telling Ryan that he was 26 but had almost died three times during his lifetime:
- As an infant, Jesse almost died of tick fever. His grandpa found him in his crib and declared him "as limp as a dishrag".
- While shooting pistols with his buddy (Jesse's age unknown) he "almost got hit by a speeding bullet".
- Two months before the audition, Jesse almost got run over in his yard — the vehicle came within three feet of him.
Most entertaining were American Idol's self-proclaimed "Cheap Dramatizations" of each of the incidents. This marks one of the rare times that AI has attempted to recreate a story. In the dramatizations, Grandpa was wearing a "World's greatest grandpa" baseball cap, Pistol-shooting Jesse was wearing a "Shotgun 17" jersey and beaver baseball cap, and near-pancake Jesse was wearing some sort of fishing t-shirt.
Jesse decided to audition despite the fact that no one had ever heard him sing apart from his mother.
Simon asked him what he was going to sing and Jesse asked, "Can I try a Garth Brooks song? That's what I want to try, that sounds good, that? I want to try that." Simon told him to go on and Jesse looked like he was preparing to sing . . . and for the next 15 seconds, Jesse was only able to muster a timid "Oh man, I –". Jesse apparently got stuck while trying to sing The River but never could remember the lyrics. No one knew the song, but Randy suggested Brooks' If Tomorrow Never Comes, which Jesse was able to sing.
Read more articles about: All • American Idol • Season 9 • Season 9, Episode 2 → Digg This
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