Magic Cyclops (real name: Scott Fuller) is a professional air guitarist of an unknown age. On audition day he was dressed in an American flag shirt with a bandanna on his head labeled "MAGIC". When outside, he is also seen wearing a brightly colored traditional poncho. Magic Cyclops is formerly a Davenport, IA resident until he left town due to riverboat gambling debts. Magic Cyclops claims to own 11,000 air guitars (though we only see a small selection on-air, probably due to the cost of transporting them all). He claims that he has a British accent because his family was so poor that they could only afford a television that got PBS and thus he grew up watching BBC programming on PBS.

As Magic Cyclops entered the audition room he shouted, "Bring in the Kraken!" and the judges quickly corrected him. He sang Neil Diamond's Cracklin' Rosie (though Magic Cyclops calls it "Cracklin' Rose"). Not surprisingly, Magic Cyclops sang the song without any discernible talent but Jennifer asked to hear more. He then sang Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett (pronounced by Magic Cyclops as "James Buffet") with the same level of skill.

Randy didn't seem to want to play along and headed toward the bathroom, but Magic Cyclops wanted to show off his grand finale: He dropped to one knee while at the same time confetti shot upwards from his backside. Steven asked, "Was that your a**?!?" and Magic Cyclops confirmed that it was.

Randy asked Magic Cyclops to take his glasses off but he claimed that the sunglasses were prescription and that he also had no eyes (which is a strange claim for someone named 'Magic Cyclops' if you think about it). Randy then left the room, and soon after Jennifer left the area via the opposite direction. Steven and Magic Cyclops walked away from the audition area together.

Outside, Magic Cyclops claims to have put Steven Tyler where he is today since he owns several Aerosmith CDs. As he departed, Magic Cyclops requested that the ending theme to The Incredible Hulk be played. Sure enough, Joe Harnell's The Lonely Man started playing as Magic Cyclops slowly dragged his bag down the street, holding out a thumb to passersby.

Paul Marturano and The Hairy Aureolas sang their new song "The Next Amerrickan Idle," which has already been featured on FOX affiliates nationwide. They spent the morning of the audition singing and performing the song for various morning shows and radio stations. The song includes lyrics like "Your mommy told you that you could sing but she lied to you about everything . Give up on your dreams." Video of their visit to the auditions was recently released on YouTube:

Robbie Nipple of the Hairy Aureolas didn't think the footage would make it to the American Idol episode, but did continue on to say, “Maybe next year I’ll pants Seacrest.”

The Next Amerrickan Idle is available on Nimbit, CDbaby, and ITunes.

Pants on the Ground has officially gone viral in American Pop Culture:

• We learned that Larry Platt has long been a civil rights activist.
• An "official" website for Larry Platt.
• Endless YouTube remixes and mashups online, including some good ones by DeStorm and davidchoimusic.
• Brett Favre chants "Pants on the Ground" with the team in the locker room.
• Appeared on The View this morning.
• Check out Jimmy Fallon's Neil Young version of Pants on the Ground.
• Lots more, past and present!

General Larry Platt may well turn out to be one of the most popular American Idol auditioners of all time. Larry Platt came in and sang his original song Pants on the Ground for the judges:

Pants on the ground, pants on the ground.
Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground
with the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways.
Pants hit the ground.
Call yourself a cool cat, looking like a fool.
Walking downtown with your pants on the ground
Get it up!
Hey! Get your pants off the ground!

. . . and then repeat those lines ad infinitum. Not only was there the song, but Larry had a few dance moves and exercises that went along with the song, too.

After he stopped singing, Larry informed Simon that he was 62 years old and Simon noted that he was a bit over the age limit of 28.

Once Larry had that news, Randy said, "And we learned something today, Larry. You know what we learned? "Pants on the ground, pants on the ground," and then Larry started singing again.

In case you were wondering, the buttons on the right side of Larry's shirt said "Justice for Troy Davis". I couldn't make out the other button.

Alexis Cohen (a.k.a. "Glitter Girl") twice appeared on American Idol. In season 7, Alexis first appeared. Outside the audition room, Alexis ranted for a while, spewing a string of profanities combined with multiple confused cliches and mixed metaphors. In season 8, Alexis reappeared with a new attitude, promising that she would behave. After her audition, she ended up giving the judges the double-finger before leaving.

Alexis was a great Idle Idol. Even while ranting and raving, she seemed to be upbeat about the whole thing. She was working on stand-up comedy and had even posted a MySpace video just the day before her death. If you are not allergic to adult language, you can watch the Alexis Cohen MySpace video.

Thanks, Alexis, for the fun times in both seasons.

Nonetheless, we see his Norman Gentle character take the stage in that same costume, red sweatbands and all. As he took the stage, he introduced himself with, "All right, time for some honesty. I'm here to have some fun. I'm Norman Gentle. I am 27 years old. I'm from Stratton, Vermont and I am gonna rock it." Norman then pulled out a pitch pipe and played it off-key.

Norman then broke into Jennifer Hudson's And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going, except he changed the lyrics to sing about himself and he gave a shout-out to the balcony and to Seacrest to sing along:

I'm the best man you'll ever know
there's no way I could ever, ever go
Darling there's no way
no no no no no no no
no way I'm living without you
BALCONY!
I don't want want to be free
SEACREST!
I'm staying. I am
I am staying
And you and you and you and please you
Please won't you love me

Randy started with, "So listen, this is the funny thing about you, man. You are hilarious, dude. You are like banoodles kind of a guy but you know what? You actually can sing. You've got some skills in there, dawg!"

Simon, of course, chimed in by saying that "without the glasses and the silly haircut, [he's] just a boring person" and that when he puts on the costume he's a "joke".

Paula said it would be interesting to hear Nick sing a song "all stripped down". With a guy like Nick, you know you can't get away with a comment like that without a stripping joke. So as Nick started unbuttoning his shirt, Paula quickly said, "No, I don't mean you strip. That's OK. Nick, Norman, Nick, Norman." She also noted that she would like to hear him sing without all the silliness.

We're not sure what Kara had to say about Nick, but it seems that at least Randy and Paula agreed to pass Nick onto the next round because he was accepted!

Offstage, Nick told Ryan that he was going to retire the costume on American Idol, so we'll see what happens.

Nick Mitchell, you've got the combination that Idle Idols has been waiting years for: A quality singing voice with a great, comical act!

Read about Nick "Norman Gentle" Mitchell's original audition.

Contestant #94720

Alexis returned to audition a second time. You may remember Alexis Cohen from Season 7, when she flipped us the double-bird and gave one of the best, angriest, and most convoluted post-audition speeches of American Idol history.

Alexis said she came to the New York audition with a whole new attitude: She has replaced the middle fingers with the two-thumbs-up symbol. We also see her meditating and chanting.

Alexis calmly walked into the audition room and informed the judges that she had a new attitude. She sang Madonna's Like a Prayer, but it didn't go well. The judges agreed that she actually sounded worse than her audition last season.

Simon noted that they had fully established that she cannot sing and Alexis politely said, "OK, thank you." Then she said, "I don't know what else to do except give you the finger," and promptly flipped Simon the double-bird yet again. Upon leaving, Alexis said, "Thank you. You're an [BLEEP]."

Nick Mitchell, a.k.a. Norman Gentle, was dressed in a pretty crazy fashion: A bright red headband and matching wristbands, big glasses, a gaudy shirt, and khaki shorts. He ran into the audition room, jumped onto the stage, struck a pose, and shouted, "American Idol!"

Simon said that he didn't want Norman to be funny, but he just wanted Norman to be serious. Norman said, "OK then, it's done" and quickly transformed into Nick by removing the headband, wristbands, and glasses.

Nick sang Jennifer Hudson's And I Am Telling You in a serious manner, but certainly not up to Idol standards. Simon cracked a joke, thereby forcing Nick to revert back into Norman, and consequently kicking off the following banter:

Simon: Norman, you told me you weren't going to make this funny.
Norman: Oh! You hurt me where you get kicked sometimes. That was very hard!
Simon: I'd have thought you'd quite like that.
Norman: You mean the way you like it when Seacrest does it?
[All the judges yell "Whoa!"]
Norman: Whatcha say now, Simon?!?
Simon: That was funny! That was actually funny.

Simon said that Norman was becoming more likable, but that they weren't looking for "a ghastly cabaret comedy singer". Norman got a chair and did his best to belt out Amazing Grace. While he sang, Simon kept warning him not to pull faces, but Norman eventually slipped one in and Simon started yapping about his faces. Norman yelled in a shrill voice, "It's addictive!" and the judges started cracking up.

Paula said she loved him and Kara said it was the first time she had been entertained all day. Norman promised he wouldn't beg and then immediately screamed "[BLEEP] PLEASE!", and fell on the floor, prostrate. Paula gave Norman a "Yes" and Simon immediately retorted with "a categorical 'No'". Kara convinced Randy to give Norman a "Yes", so we'll be seeing him again in Hollywood!

Read about the rest of Norman Gentle's American Idol run.

During her audition, Paula mentioned that she was a huge fan of Paula Abdul's. People.com reports that Goodspeed had changed her name from Sandra to Paula. Paula had drawn life-size pictures of Paula Abdul. Media outlets have been painting Goodspeed as a stalker, noting that Goodspeed had sent dozens and dozens of letters to Paula, shown up unexpectedly, and sent flowers to Abdul the week before under Abdul's boyfriend's name. Family members have insisted that she was just a big fan and not much more.

Idle Idols appreciates Paula's audition and wishes she had stuck around to share more of herself with the world. Our hearts and prayers go out to Paula's family.

On the stage, however, Kyle had more confidence singing Lighthouse Edison's Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes). The judges weren't impressed with his singing, however. While Paula struggled to find kind words to say about Kyle's spirit, Simon said, "I can't listen to this rubbish anymore. I'm gonna say 'No'" and left the room. Needless to say, Kyle wasn't passed through to the next round — yet.

In his second audition, Kyle was passed through to the next round along with Jeffery Lampkin, though we never heard what or how Kyle sang for that audition.

In the next round, Kyle sang Josh Groban's You Raise Me Up. In a rare twist on the usual, Paula was the only judge who offered up criticism, calling it a "safe" audition. Simon even apologized for his antics of leaving the room during his first audition. Kyle was passed through to the final 50 unanimously.

Kyle was one of the last two males to go in front of the judges. Unfortunately, the judges chose Colton Berry over Kyle. Simon had some very positive comments to say to Kyle about his trip:

Kyle, I want you to know — from me — wholeheartedly, I disagree with this decision. I think you had done enough because you were different and unique to have made it through to the next round, and I completely and utterly disagree with this decision. I think you should have been given the chance based on the impact you made at Hollywood to be competing further in this competition. I don't think you're the best singer, but I think you have something which people would have enjoyed, and I'm really disappointed. Really disappointed.

Paula came around the desk and gave Kyle two hugs. Randy told him to stay without and to keep working to become better and more consistent. Simon told Kyle that he was "sorry about it", and that it was nice to meet him. Kyle graciously congratulated Colton on his win.

Read about Kyle's original audition.

Sarah sang the fast-talking lyrics from Gwen Stefani's The Sweet Escape, however she didn't keep the rhythm of the song and she didn't know all the words, either. Instead of sounding like Gwen Stefani, she sounded more like an excited four year old rambling about something you can't decipher.

Randy asked her, "You ever hear of a guy named William Hung?" Sarah called that the biggest insult ever.

Paul took the time to sit with us for an interview and discussed various aspects of his interview process. Paul discussed his other musical endeavors and also what happened to him after security escorted him out of the audition room.

Novac from Idle Idols: For the record: What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favourite colour?
Paul Marturano: AH My name is Sir Paula Abdul's Stalker Marturano My quest is to perform my music and comedy for the world while saving homeless animals from shleters before they can be euthanized and my favorite color is Green …..no wait Blue
Novac: Are you a fan of American Idol? How did you decide to audition?
Paul: I am a fan of the show. I have always wanted to be on the show but have never auditioned because by the time I got up the nerve I was past the age limit. So I decided that I would just go have some fun and see what happened.
Novac: Did they give you a hard time because you were overage, or did they pass you through because they knew you'd make for such a fun audition?

Paul: The second that Milo Turk and I stepped out of the car, we started performing for the press cameras and other contestants having a great time and we didn't have any trouble with the age limit
Novac: Milo Turk is the overage contestant we saw singing his song No Sex Allowed. You've known Milo for quite a while?
Paul: Milo and I go back 10 years
Novac: How did you decide that you'd serenade Paula with a song about stalking her? The title of that song is Stalker right?
Paul: The title is Stalker. I have a plethora of comedy songs that I've written then I saw Paula Abdul's Face and the song came out. For the past 5-10 years I've made the main part of my living by playing piano at colleges clubs corporate events and cruise ships but I also have a musical comedy duo called the Hairy Aureolas and we sing very politcally incorrect offensive comedy songs that you should only listen to if you are over the age of 18 ……or maybe over the age of 45 actually their that crazy. Not for those with no sense of humor who get easily offended
Novac: In fact, a racier version of Stalker is on one of the Hairy Aureolas' albums.
Paul: It's on the album 17 songs that will make you want to kill your retarded step-brother. Our latest and raunchiest release is called Rotten Box
Novac: What's the coolest thing that has happened as a result of your 15 minutes of national fame? What has happened in the few days since your audition aired?
Paul: The past few days have been completely yet wonderfully insane. Since my Idol audition, I have been interviewed by over 100 radio stations nationwide and in Canada. Access Hollywood came to my house. I have been splattered all over the internet and the actual coolest thing that happened, you will get to see sometime after this Tuesday [January 22, 2008]. It's been quite a ride and I am grateful for every second of it.
Novac: Now I'm curious. Where should we be looking after Tuesday? Online? Television? Elsewhere?
Paul: Everywhere but especially on line
Novac: Have you already appeared on Access Hollywood, or do we still have a chance to tune in?
Paul: I have already appeared but, it is on youtube and it is on my website www.paulpiano.net
Novac: Did you choose that song beforehand, or did you just wing your audition? How did the judges' reactions compare with your expectations?
Paul: I rewrote the song for Paula rehearsed it. When I went to the audition, I was originally dressed as Pauly Nipple of the Hairy Aureolas – Red Wig- glasses with no lenses – a cape – bright red pants – and that God awful shirt. By the time, I made it to the judges, I decided to go in with just the ugly shirt because I thought that if the costume was too outrageous, Simon would eject me before I got the song out.
Novac: How did the judges' reactions compare with your expectations?

Paul: As for their reactions, I thought there would be less laughter from Paula and more from Simon. I wish Simon had enjoyed it more because I like Simon and I know he does good things especially for the animals. Over the summer some friends and I started an animal rescue called Loli's Place, Inc. Our goal is to build no kill animal sanctuaries and this Idol publicity has been wonderful so I am hoping we can do it on a much larger level. Here is a piece of an article about that:

According to Marturano, his dog, Loli, passed on in October of 2005, while he was away performing at a college in WI. Since then, he has vowed to give a piece of everything he does to the animals and has taken the first step as one of the founding board members of Loli’s Place, Inc. Marturano plan’s to donate a large portion of his CD sales and The Hairy Aureolas CD sales as well as a portion of profits from any performances to Loli’s Place, Inc. Loli’s Place, the children’s book is due out by the end of the year. For more information please visit www.lolisplace.com

Novac: That's very nice. Have you tried to get Simon to donate?
Paul: I haven't. I haven't seen the judges since security escorted me out. I respect Simon a lot as a person and I hear about some of the good things he is doing. My goal is to be able to fund it myself through my music and comedy
Novac: Two large men helped you find the door to the audition room after you had overstayed your visit. Were they sincerely concerned about safety, or just hurrying you up?

Paul: Couldn't tell. But I will tell you this. What happened next was actually what I thought was the best part of my audition but it wasn't edited into the show. When I got out to Ryan, I pulled a fake Golden Ticket from my pocket and everyone screamed because they thought that I was going to Hollywood
Novac: Niiiice.
Paul: As I was coming out, Milo was arguing with Ryan. Milo had not made it past the third round of producers and was trying to get Ryan to let him in.. I stepped out with the fake ticket- everyone cheered- Ryan came over to talk to me and asked to see the ticket and I started to sing another comedy song while running around with security chasing me…..Milo chasing Ryan…. and Ryan trying to get my ticket to see if it was authentic. I sang the original comedy song I love me. Here's the Lyrics:

There is someone very special in this room tonight
Someone we've all been waiting to see
This person is so excellent this person is so perfect This person, This Person is me
I love me . I love me , cause I'm the greatest human to ever walk the face of the earth- ever walk the face of the earth I am so much better than you
Don't you wish you could touch me
Don't you wish you could be me
Don't you wish you weren't so …..inferior
Right now you must be overwhelmed to be near me and you're in awe of everything I do
God took an extra year just to make me and then he through away the mold then he took one second and made all of you (pointed at all the other contestants and contestants guests and taunted them )
I Love me I Love me
Wish I could Marry myself and have my own baby but even if I did that kid still wouldn't be as good as me
me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me

You can hear it at www.hairya.net So then security finally caught me and that was it but Milo fought his way through and in he went
Novac: Are you planning on auditioning again in the future?
Paul: Not sure if they would let me but I gladly would
Novac: Well, Brandon Groves appeared in both season 5 and season 6 — he was funny, but on the other hand, he wasn't stalking Paula, either
Just two last obligatory questions, and I’ll let you be on your way . . . If you could be a condiment, which condiment would you be?
Paul: Trojan. Oh wait condiment. Anything but Mayonaise
Novac: Last question: Ginger or Mary Ann?
Paul: Both and a video camera =-O
Novac: Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to chat, Paul. I thank you, the readers thank you, and Abe Vigoda thanks you.
Paul: Thank you . I appreciate it. Sorry for all the typos . If anyone would like to know more or wants to contact me please just go to my website www.paulpiano.net and send an email to the where it says contact management Thanks again . Paula I'll see you later…..but you won't see me. Isn't Abe Vigoda dead?
Novac: We've all been asking him that for decades, haven't we?

"Hi, my name's Kyle Ensley, and elect me to be your next American Idol."

Kyle is a PolySci and International Business major with aspirations to be the next governor of Oklahoma. Of course, the best springboard to governor is to be American Idol first.

Kyle sang Queen's Somebody to Love in earnest. Simon admitted that Kyle wasn't as bad as he thought he would be and gave him the thumbs up. Before they passed him through, however, Simon made Kyle promise that he wouldn't be like Clay Aiken, doing weird things with his hair, wear red leather jackets, or sing Grease Is the Word.

Forget about Hillary, Rudy, Barack, Mike, and the Johns. I'm voting for Kyle!

Read about Kyle's Hollywood audition.

Paul sang a long song he wrote specifically for Paula Abdul:

There is this girl I know, I follow her around.
She hasn't noticed me, it really gets me down.
I broke into her house when she wasn't there,
Took off all my clothes and tried on her underwear.
I'm always thinking of her.
I really think that I love her.
I'm not much of a talker,
so I guess that I'll just stalk her.
Yeah, I'll stalk her.
If she were a doggy, I would walk her.
If she were a blackboard, I would chalk her.
If I were Colombo, I'd Peter Falk her.
But I'm not, so I'll just stalk her.
If she were at bat with a guy on first, I would balk her.
If she were Willona from Good Times, I'd be Jimmy Walker
If she were a bathtub, I would caulk her.

The song was cut off there as the judges informed Paul that his song was creepy, and security helped escort Paul back out the audition doors.

I'm just wondering how many more puns Paul had lined up . . .

Don't miss the details of what happened to Paul after security escorted him out! Read Idle Idol's interview with Paul Marturano.

(Special thanks to Lisa for helping clarify the baseball line in the song.)

Update: On January 22, 2008, Paul released a video of Stalker:

Contestant #83542

Alexis admitted, "I like things that shine. I'm like a pirate." She proved this with her attire: Thick silver glitter over her eyes, multi-color star-shaped earrings, and a shirt with a sparkly design on it.

Alexis' pre-audition plan? "Judges, I plan to knock you on your feet." I'm not quite sure how that works on a literal or a figurative plane.

In the audition, Alexis sang Grace Slick's Somebody To Love. She didn't sing well enough for American Idol, but the judges did suggest that she might do well in a 60s cover band.

Alexis took her defeat fairly well in the audition room, but when she exited, she ranted about Simon and about how "snugly" [sic] he looked at her. Back in the audition room, Simon compared Alexis to Willem Dafoe.

Alexis gave the finger to the camera several times and declared, "I'm going for actressing." At this point, Alexis' mother chimes in for the first time and we get an idea of what parentage might result in a character like Alexis.

And here's how Alexis' final rant down the escalator went:

I'll make it one day. One day, somehow, some way. And I hope that someone sees that I have some talent somewhere whether it be in acting or singing or whether it be the fact that I have the chutzpah and the [censored] to be able to get up and talk — to be able to say what I'm thinking, to be able to say what I mean, to be able to speak the heart, to be able to talk, to be able to lead. I will be victorious, always be victorious, all rising.

'Nuff said.

Your chance is coming to your region soon! American Idol's official website has posted the audition venues and schedule:

1. July 30, 2007 – San Diego, CA
2. August 6, 2007 – Dallas, TX
3. August 10, 2007 – Omaha, NE
4. August 14, 2007 – Atlanta, GA
5. August 18, 2007 – Charleston, SC
6. August 22, 2007 – Miami, FL
7. August 27, 2007 – Philadelphia, PA

So get your most eye-catching outfit and get ready to sing your heart (or appendix) out in front of the judges!

Civil litigator Danielle Caminiti-Aidala feels that American Idol could sue Stern and VFTW for trying to subvert the Idol voting process. She claims that American Idol Productions has a case because "the Howard Sterns of the world and the Vote for the Worst dot coms of the world are intentionally interfering with malicious intent to sabotage American Idol."

Bill O'Reilly doesn't like the whole idea behind Howard Stern's campaign, but he debates that Caminiti-Aidala's entire argument crumbles because American Idol continues to bring in millions of viewers and enjoys plenty of success. Danielle Aidala counters, "That's not the will of the people because a lot of the people are under Howard Stern's spell, so to speak."

Howard Stern truly does have malicious reasons for asking his listeners to vote for the worst — He thinks that this will cause the show to be canceled if a lousy singer wins the contest.

Vote for the Worst, on the other hand, realizes that American Idol is a show that claims to look for original acts while only passing through the same old cookie-cutter singers that we've seen in all the other seasons, with a few exceptions. VFTW also knows that what makes entertaining television is watching a lousy singer struggle time and time again, week after week . . . and watching the judges' reactions as these horrible acts are kept in the contest. Howard Stern wants the show to be canceled, but VFTW wants American Idol to continue strong in its ratings.

Watch Bill O'Reilly discuss the issue with Danielle Caminiti-Aidala:

In this author's opinion, any lawsuits here are simply ridiculous and should immediately be thrown out as frivolous. American Idol has chosen to allow telephone voting by viewers, and nowhere does it say that you have to vote for the best performer. You simply have to vote for the contestant you want to stay. It is also difficult to quantify the effect that Howard Stern and VFTW have on the voting, both collectively and (especially) individually. If American Idol Productions doesn't like the public maliciously voting for Sanjaya, that's too bad — they are the ones who selected him and placed him in the finals for the public to vote on in the first place. The public has no say on which contestants initially make it through to the voting stage of American Idol. With the huge response to American Idol audition calls, is it really true that none of the other contestants were as good as Sanjaya?

Furthermore, it seems obvious that American Idol is benefiting from this entire movement. Howard Stern listeners and VFTW visitors who would never watch American Idol now have a reason to watch and passionately root for a contestant. Previously apathetic Idol viewers now watch more passionately as they gasp when Sanjaya stays in for yet another week. And, in the end, Sanjaya will not win the ultimate prize. It's very difficult to alter a vote for just two or three contestants when millions of votes are placed each week. Even if American Idol draws any attention to this issue, it will be purely for the media attention. Remember, any media is good media.

Not only has Sanjaya made it as an American Idol finalist, but as of this posting, Bodog has Sanjaya with the third-best odds (5/2) of the remaining nine contestants. Who knows — maybe in two years, Sanjaya will be winning an Academy Award, just like Jennifer Hudson!

Last year, Deputy Brandon Groves showed up in Chicago for American Idol 5. Guess what? He's baa-aaack!

Brandon shed the deputy's uniform for an Uncle Sam outfit (or is it supposed to be Apollo Creed?).

Paula suggested that next year, Brandon might be dressed as an Indian chief to follow up the policeman and Uncle Sam costumes, keeping with the Village People theme.

Ryan asked Brandon if they had taken him seriously in that outfit, but Brandon blamed his rejection on "nerves, again."

I'll bet this isn't the last we've seen of Brandon Groves.

Novac from Idle Idols: For the record: What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favourite colour?
Mary Roach: My name is Mary Roach, spelled exactly like that. My quest is to become a more famous actress and stand-up comic — I would really like to play both comedic and dramatic roles in movies one day… or maybe just appear in more reality shows. My favorite colors are hot pink, black, and purple. I couldn't just pick one.

Novac: Are you an American Idol fan?
Mary: I'm a huge fan of the auditions, though I honestly get bored watching the main show. Seeing all these cookie-cutter (though usually decent) singers try to be original with overdone, overplayed songs generally bores me. Still, it's kind of like a guilty pleasure. I'll watch it when nothing else is on. I'll watch it when other people are watching it… I admit there are times I'll even get sucked in, though it's not usually on my top priorities of TV shows to watch.
Novac: How did you decide that you were going to audition for American Idol?
Mary: I found out that American Idol auditions were going to be in DC, where I lived at the time. I understand that American Idol is one of the most watched reality TV shows in the nation, so I figured I'd give it a shot. There had been some crazy acts (as well as some generally crazy people) before me on that show, and also on The X Factor who made a name for themselves afterwards, so I figured I had nothing to lose.
Novac: How did the American Idol audition compare with your expectations?
Mary: I didn't know it was a 3-step process, because you're only presented with one audition. From my experiences of attending casting calls in the past, I figured I'd have to wait in line, though I had no idea it would last 3 days. The judges were pretty much how I expected them to be. The post-interview process with the reporters was pretty fun, too.
Novac: Most contestants have qualms with the editing. Did the editors cut out anything that you had hoped would air?
Mary: Well, in the end, I said, "I'm not really like this, you know. I'm just doing this for show, because I want to be on TV." That was in the exit interview in the "confessional" room. I also cracked a bunch of jokes that didn't get aired, but that's understandable, since I actually talked for a good half hour.
Novac: You were lucky to be billed as "The next William Hung" throughout your episode. How do you feel about that?
Mary: I'd feel better if I got more exposure from it. That little ………. got a million dollars and what do I GET?! Suicide rumors! (Remember when William Hung had suicide rumors online? There were a couple that were spread about me, too, only not quite as elaborate.) I put the "……." because I don't know what to call him.
Novac: "Celebrity?"
Mary: He seems like a sweet and humble guy, though… and I'm sure he's enjoying every minute of it. And is quite grateful for what has happened to him… but I wonder… does he know he's bad? I'm sure he does by now… but he makes people smile, so he keeps going. I think all other A.I. rejects are envious of him.
Novac: This is why William Hung will always be THE American Idol audition of all time. He seems so genuine, you just can't tell if he's acting or just plain ignorant of his awful singing.
Mary: It's true… when people think of American Idol, his face comes up!
Novac: In your audition, you sang Carole King's I Feel the Earth Move. How did you end up with that particular song?
Mary: Actually, I was hanging out with a few friends at this little ice cream place that plays old songs. I Feel the Earth Move came on, and we started dancing like dorks, being the shameless hams we are. I decided that would be a fun song to sing/dance to. I'm not sure if Carole King is flattered or offended… but I'd definitely like to know!
Novac: Next time I see her, I'll be sure to ask.
Mary: Rock on. I'd love to meet her, though, seriously. I think she's an incredibly talented songwriter.
Novac: Post-audition, we saw you sing a song as you were on your way out of the building. What song was that?
Mary: It's a song I wrote, called Empty Shell. I'm not sure if you noticed (some did, some didn't), but I nearly broke character while singing that. I just about started laughing, though I quickly stopped myself. I've had quite a few people ask me what song it was and where to find it. Infact, DC 101 (DC's rock station) even played that post-audition song on the radio for a little bit.
Novac: Yes, I was going to mention the smirk and near-laughter during that one. It's a shame you didn't sing that one for the audition — you gave quite a bit of emotion and . . . character during that song.
Mary: Hahaha. I actually didn't think to sing that song until afterwards. The reporter asked me to sing her something else, and I decided to sing my own. I was debating between that and uhh… Got Some Teeth by Obie Trice. But hip-hop isn't "Mary Guilbeaux". I've thought about auditioning for A.I. again with a more hip-hop character. Perhaps then the American public will fully know I was acting… or else, they'll just assume I'm even MORE nuts – because then, not only would I hear voices in my head, but I'd have multiple personalities to boot!;)
Novac: Yes, I've found that most of the humorous auditions are acts, but America just tends to take them at face value. What kind of publicity or attention did you receive after your audition aired?
Mary: I got several offers from TV shows the morning after it aired, and I accepted as many as I could. Going on Extra was pretty fun… if you aren't familiar with Extra, it's hosted by Mark McGrath. I got to briefly meet him and talk to him for a few minutes out of character. On the set of Extra, I did interviews for both In Touch and US Weekly. My grandmother saw the picture of Mark and I in US Weekly and asked if we were dating! But I digress… the publicity I received was generally positive when the journalists actually got a chance to speak with me. Otherwise, it was a mixed bag – some people took my act at face value, others questioned it, and others knew it was a joke all along. I got compared to Molly Shannon's "Mary Catherine Gallagher" character a few times, which is pretty flattering. She was also quite off-the-wall and peculiar with her social mishaps and flailing dance moves. Oh, and people recognized me the next day. Some even asked for my autograph. It was unreal.
Novac: Is it true that you also did a "Spring Break Fantasy" for MTV?
Mary: Indeed it is. I sang American Idiot. I actually have a story about this, though I'm not sure how appropriate it is. Ah well… here it goes: My boobs actually popped out during the first take (I was wearing a loosely tied halter top with a badly built in bra), and there was an audience of literally thousands watching. I said I felt like Janet Jackson. So, MTV was memorable enough.
Novac: Unfortunately, this is par for the course on MTV's Spring Break, so it probably didn't help you stand out too much.
Mary: Most likely not. It was all in good fun, though. In this day and age, boobs aren't a big deal anyway… but it was still slightly embarrassing for me.
Novac: What kind of reaction did you get from friends and family over your American Idol audition?
Mary: I had a huge viewing party at my house. All my friends and family knew about my audition, and they couldn't wait to see. The reaction was generally an abundance of laughter mixed with, "whoa… you said that? You did THAT?! GIRL, you have BALLS!" A slight bit of shock, I suppose.
Novac: I'm guessing those comments came during your interview segment.
Mary: HAHA, I already warned my mother about the f-bomb. She's really Catholic and easily offended by profanity, so I made sure she was prepared. I'm not afraid to be a little offensive while performing stand-up, so that last bit was no surprise to my friends. I've found that often in stand-up, the more offensive you are, the more laughs you get. That's the nice thing about stand-up — one can go on stage and say things they'd never DREAM of saying in everyday life.
Novac: Since we're on the topic of stand-up: What is a Mary Roach stand-up performance like? Do you have material, or is it mostly improvised? How often do you get out to perform?
Mary: My stand-up performances often open up with a little humor on the subject of American Idol, since that's where people know me from. Because my audition was aired around two years ago, I like to remind them a little bit of who I am. I usually do have a rough outline of material, and the subject varies, depending on the venue. I do quite a bit of improv, too, though how much depends on the crowd. If I notice they really dig me, then that keeps me going. If they're an unusually dry crowd, then I'll stick to my canned jokes.
Mary: Lately, I only perform every few months… I used to perform much more frequently. Right after my A.I. stunt, I performed weekly and sometimes more. I've been solicited for a few offers, though… it's crazy how my 15 minutes are starting to slowly creep back. Crazy but lovely.
Novac: Do you intend on auditioning for American Idol again? Earlier, you mentioned the desire to get on more reality shows. Did you have any in mind?
Mary: I definitely intend to audition for American Idol again, with a completely different character. As for reality shows, I would love to be on something like The Real World. Or The Amazing Race, or even Fear Factor. Oh! Last Comic Standing would also be amazing. I'll go on any reality show, though, quite frankly. Once you get a taste of the Hollywood life, you'll do anything within reason to experience it again. It's too divine to pass up.
Novac: Since you said *any* reality show, I'm trying to picture you on Super Nanny or Nanny 911.
Mary: HAHA… Um, sure, why not? I'd be a standout for sure.
Novac: So, for the record, we've established that you're not a crazy loon — at least not the crazy loon we saw on American Idol.
Mary: Of course not. I'm clinically sane according to my last psych examination.
Novac: A lot can happen in 4 years
Mary: Hahaha.
Novac: You've said elsewhere that you do not consider yourself a singer. You have been in a band in the past, though. What kind of band was it? Were you the lead singer?
Mary: I've been in several bands, actually. I was the lead singer in a joke band called Rubber Buns & Liquor. We sucked, and that was the point. People saw us perform for the entertainment value, not the music. Also: you don't need to be vocally talented to lead a punk band. It's all talking, yelling, and screaming anyway, with minimal singing. Most punk singers can't sing and don't care. I also play guitar and bass… I'm crappy at both, though again, it's all for fun. I do have to say I'm a legitimately talented songwriter, though.
Novac: Where did "Guilbeaux" come from?
Mary: I heard the name Mary Guilbeaux on TV and thought it sounded… funny. Quite frankly, Guilbeaux rhymes with something else. Something that starts with "dil…" It's one of those names that's trying to be classy and not quite cutting it. I thought it fit my character… she's trying to be cool, classy, and sophisticated, but it's just not working out.
Novac: What is your name for the character? Just Mary Guilbeaux?
Mary: yeah I had to say my real name on TV though
Novac: Speaking of names: You share your name with the author of "Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers" . . . are you a fan?
Mary: To be honest, I've never read any of her stuff. I've heard of it before… she [the other Mary Roach] also writes for Reader's Digest. After my A.I. audition, people actually asked me if I wrote any books, or if that was someone else. I wish I could take credit for it… she seems incredibly popular. ha!
Novac: I'm sure people were asking her if she was on American Idol as well.
Mary: HA, most likely!
Novac: One last question, and then I'll let you go . . .
Mary: Alright
Novac: Tell me about "Hey, wanna throw stuffed animals at the celing?"
Mary: HAAA… The other part is, "You know it's just an excuse to get you in my room, right?" It's just a corny pick-up line, but it's so zany that it's worked. Talking to attractive strangers can be difficult.
Novac: Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to chat, Mary. I thank you, the readers thank you, and Abe Vigoda thanks you.

Novac from Idle Idols: For the record: What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favourite colour?
Crazy Dave Hoover: Dave Hoover. I couldn't possibly pick a favorite color. My quests are among many.
Novac: Are you an American Idol fan?
Dave: Well, I watched it all last year. I'm a big fan of reality TV for some reason. I hadn't had a TV for a few years before that. I think TV is so distracting when you are trying to be productive. The first few seasons, I caught a few minutes here and there at friend's houses. I thought it was the cheesiest thing I had ever seen.

Novac: How did you decide that you were going to audition for American Idol?
Dave: I had wanted to start doing something more publicly with my music. Usually I just play music alone. I had just gotten over a hip hop phase of my musical stylings and was getting more into singing again. I wanted to try something new.
Novac: You sang an original for your AI audition. What's the name of the song, how did you come to choose your song, and is there any way we can hear or buy an album version?
Dave: I wrote that while I was waiting to audition for A.I. while driving in my car. I record a lot of instrumental music, then listen to it over and over until the perfect lyrics pop out of the musical landscape. The song I sang is called DO. It is on my website www.mrdubious.com and it can be found and bought on the CD available on my site. I also sang a Cold Play song that actually got me through the first round of auditioning.
Novac: Did you have one or two auditions before performing for Simon, Paula, and Randy?
Dave: two
Novac: Many AI contestants have a method for getting noticed. Your method was clearly unbridled energy and being a spaz. It seemed to work pretty well. Are you normally that energetic?

Dave: I'm a true Gemini. I'm either super calm or super energetic. Most of the time, out of respect for other people, I keep it toned down. I didn't start getting wild until the final audition. I was just excited to be there.
Novac: I'm sure the cameras and judges bring about plenty of adrenaline, which helped your performance there.
Dave: Yeah, knowing you will be seen my 30 million people is definately creates an awakened state of being.
Novac: Did you expect to be passed through to Hollywood, or were you simply going for the fun of it?
Dave: I had high hopes. For me, I have been making music long enough to be comfortable with my capabilities and not worried about what other people want to say. Plus, I think it's just a TV show and they are either looking for what you got or not.
Novac: Well, you fulfilled the dreams of thousands and thousands (if not more) American Idol contestants and made it through to Hollywood. Randy voted "Yes" for you on the basis that you would talk to the animals for him, and Paula said that she would vote for you "for [her] own reasons."
Dave: Woohoo!
Novac: Did you ever get to talk to the animals for Randy? What do you think Paula's reasons were?

Dave: Yep, I saw a pelican on the Santa monica Pier and i said, "Hey, Randy Jackson loves you". They cut out a lot of clips from my audition. There was a lot cut out of my audition. Paula actually got out of her seat and said that my song sounded like it could be sung all over the world. She said there was no one in this world like me. Was she just being serious or just getting caught up in the goofy energy that i brought along with me…we may never know.
Novac: Did the editors cut out anything else that you had hoped would air?
Dave: No, they did a great job in giving me airtime….for sure!
Novac: Indeed. You were one of the lucky "teasers" that got shown before practically every commercial break.
Dave: Yeah, who would of thunk it?
Novac: Before the Hollywood performance, you are shown standing on your head and meditating. Were you just having fun with the camera crews, or really getting ready for the Hollywood experience?
Dave: I was frequently stretching and doing yoga all over the place. The clip you are referring too was not filmed directly before the audition.
Novac: How did the AI audition process stack up with your expectations?
Dave: It was A LOT longer and drawn out than I could of ever imagined.
Novac: What's the coolest thing that has happened as a result of your 15 minutes of national fame? Has your national exposure opened any doors for you?
Dave: I love getting fan mail. That is a new and wonderful pleasure. It's nice to hear good things about yourself!
Novac: Since you love fan mail, what's the best way for fans to contact you? What's the best way to keep up on your music in the future? You have your MySpace profile and your website, mrdubious.com.
Dave: Both are great!
Novac: You released a video of yourself inside one of the Super Mario games. Where did the "Super Dave" idea come from?
Dave: I used to play super mario ALL the time when I was a kid. One day I just messed around with Final Cut software on my Mac and threw it together.
Novac: Are there any other such bizarre items in the works?
Dave: Nah, I don't like to spent too much time in front of the computer, I'm more the outdoors type. Although I am working on a feature length film.
Novac: You're planning a nationwide music/dance tour this summer and filming a movie during the tour as well.
Dave: It's all up in the air right now, dependent on how far i can stretch my savings this summer.
Novac: Are you making the movie, or is someone else following you around?
Dave: I'm gonna go where I go, do what I do, and pass the camera to whomever wants to try their hand at filmmaking. It's definately going to be experimental/experiential!
Novac: If people want to be in Crazy Dave's movie, can they get in it somehow?
Dave: Sure, just send me an email, and I'll see if it works into the master plan.
Novac: If you could be a condiment, which condiment would you be?
Dave: Hey, I thought I was the crazy one here. What kind of a question is that?
Novac: Oh, it's just one of Idle Idols's two obligatory questions. Besides, no one said I was sane . . . it's just that you were called "crazy" on national television.
Dave: To put thinking about this question behind us, I'll say Olive Oil.
Novac: Ginger or Mary Ann?
Dave: What does that mean?
Novac: LOL, that means it's the end of the interview. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to chat, Crazy Dave. I thank you, the readers thank you, and Abe Vigoda thanks you.

As if Arrested Development weren't a great enough show already, there's just one more reason to tune in!

PS: If you're thinking about watching the Olympics opening ceremonies, make sure you record Arrested Development, as they are on at the same time. Thanks a lot, Fox!

Crazy Dave passed through to Hollywood because he promised Randy that he would talk to the animals for him and also because he was nothing but a huge ball of energy, jumping around and screaming on the stage.

Crazy Dave bounded out onto the stage and shouted, "People of the Universe! . . . [pointing to the judges] Honorable Overlords! . . . You're now in the presence of Mr. Dubious, Dubba Dub Dub, Bubba Wubba Yubba Baby Wooooo-Yeah!!!"

Dave then broke into Bat out of Hell, and during the performance, he lept the gap between the stage and the judges' table so he was belting out the finale immediately in front of them. Simon responded by saying, "That was wonderful. Thank you."

Despite this energetic performance, Dave was passed over and sent home.

It's really quite a shame. I realized that, if Dave Hoover made it to the final two, I would have watched every lousy episode this season. Now, there's simply no reason to keep watching.

Contestant #55896

Paula wore some interesting clothes. The reason is that everyone calls her a "fashion genius."

In addition to the eye-catching clothes, she also had some prominent braces with pink and green rubber bands that Simon just had to talk about. He said things like "You have so much metal in your mouth," "that's like a bridge," and "How did she get through the metal detector? It must have gone crazy!"

Paula is a huge Paula Abdul fan. Apparently, she likes to draw life-size pictures of Paula Abdul.

One word: Spaz.

Crazy Dave seemed to believe that if he had enough energy and overwhelming enthusiasm that this would cancel out the fact that he couldn't sing. He was wrong . . . or was he?

As with several previous poor performers, Randy and Simon split the vote, forcing Paula to be the one who let the poor performer down. This time, however, she had apparently had enough. Paula said, "For my own reasons . . . YES."

Crazy Dave made it through. Why is he referred to as "Crazy Dave?" It might be that he performed barefoot and claims that animals started talking to him when he was 16.

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